MR KEOWN YOU'RE SCARING THE CHILDREN!
Jason McKeown shares his opinion on the world of ugly football players

THEY dazzle the fans every week with their silky skills for their football clubs but the club shop never sells any mugs with their faces on. Welcome to the world of an ugly footballer!

For most people being a footballer is a dream. Getting paid thousands of pounds every week, being able to drive a Ferrari and pulling all the best looking women. However, the reality of millions of girls screaming your name and drooling over the sight of you in shorts is a problem if you're a footballer who looks like a reject from the Rocky Horror Show.

The two most famous recent ugly footballers are Iain Dowie and Peter Beardsley. Northern Ireland's Dowie scared the kids at West Ham, Crystal Palace and Southampton. Despite a respectable goal scoring record in football he will always be remembered best for his looks. Strangely enough Posh picked Becks over Iain (must have been for the intelligent conversation!) and on retirement there were no modelling contracts for the Milan catwalk.

A hero up the road in Newcastle was Peter Beardsley. The England star delighted the crowds with his wonder goals although it's alleged that some of his goals came from the fact that he scared the keepers to death with his looks.

Surely the ugliest modern day footballer still playing is Bayern Munich goalkeeper Oliver Kahn. The man looks like the Incredible Hulk's Long lost brother. There have been many footballers that get the headlines for their football and not for their boyish good looks. East-end hardman turned pro golfer Julian Dicks, 'Pineapple head' Jason Lee (at least he had his football skills!), Ginner Ray Parlour, Everton 'legend' Vinny Samways, Carlton Palmer or chubby Matt Le Tissier.

However if you have the fame and wealth of a footballer it must give you a head start on the other mingers. Would model Jordan look twice at goofy teethed Dwight Yorke if he played for Huddersfield?

The ugly footballer has been around for many years but the fact that football is now such a big business with pin up footballers has highlighted the ugly ones. It surely won't be long given the wages footballers command before the new generation of Dowie's, Kahn's and Beardsley's are going in for plastic surgery to improve their scoring record off the field.

With up and coming beauties such as Manchester United's Luke Chadwick, Liverpools Steve Wright and with ever present players such as, Martin Keown, the ugly football players are not finished yet.